Friends of the Program

What failure looks like

Tonight, several extremely tall men in ill fitting suits (except for you Jalen Rose, you look great my man) will wait for a squatty Jewish man to call their names and make them instant millionaires, household names, franchise saviors…or maybe complete and total busts who will be looking for work in 3 years in the D League or some 3rd world country.  The influx of younger players and lesser known Euros has made the possibility of a team choosing a complete and total washout very real.  Below our humble list of bust candidates:

• Derrick Rose, Bust Odds 30-1:  We saw him play in person twice this year.  The best player on the floor both nights.  The fastest person we have ever scene with a basketball in his hands.  Attacks the basket and is super athletic.  FOTP says:  1st pick and a nice ProActive endorsement deal to boot.
• OJ Mayo, Bust odds 15-1:  Jay Bilas says he’s the most NBA ready player in the draft, scouts ogle his size and speed but question his ability as a true point guard or even a two guard, has an obviously shady past filled with agents, bagmen, and go betweens.  Could be DWade, but could also be a combination of Bassy Telfair and his cousin Starbury.  FOTP says:  He’ll be having sex with team interns and promoting a reasonably priced shoe line by this time next year.

• Michael Beasley, Bust odds 10-1:  Jeff Van Gundy is calling this guy a hall of famer already.  Dude went to 35 different high schools and ended up in the middle of no where in Manhatten, Kansas.  Had huge numbers in his one year of college, but so did Lee Nailon.  Undersized but very athletic.  FOTP says: pass, proven guys with similar skills will be available as free agents next year.
• Brook Lopez, Bust odds 6-1:  Scouts like his size and youth (only 19).  Has a twin brother Robin who is the Harvey Grant to Brook’s Horace (read not as good).  Height is at a premium and Lopez is one of the only viable 7 footers in the draft.  Hey NBA, remember Chris Borchardt?  FOTP says: Twins creep us out, pass.
• Danilo Gallinari, Bust odds 4-1:  He isn’t from this country so we automatically think he is soft as Charmin three-ply with aloe (its a little slice of heaven people!).  The Knicks reportedly love the guy which means he is destined to be an utter failure.  FOTP says:  He kinda looks like Brad Hamilton from Fast Times.
• Kevin Love, Bust Odds 2-1:  No athletic ability.  Gets by on basketball IQ and hustle.  If Adam Keefe and Mark Madsen had a child his name would be Kevin Love.  FOTP says:  If he falls in the first, pick him up, who doesnt need a milky white presence with a well manicured pencil thin beard?
• Anthony Randolph, Bust Odds 1-3: We saw him in person this year, and by saw him, we mean looked right through him.  He is 6-10 and might weigh 150 lbs.  Very athletic but was getting pushed around all year inside.  We watched this guy (who will get drafted and improbably have a 10-12 year NBA career) push Randolph around for 40 minutes.  FOTP says: Think Stro Swift without the silly birdman hand gestures.