During the summer our crack staff of malcontents and social drinkers will be compiling a list of the ten most excruciatingly terrible people on the face of the earth.  Those distinctly unique douchebags who completely fail at life and yet still manage to rise above their own horendousness to be lauded by some faction of the masses.  They deserve our ridicule, tasteless jokes, and general disdain…and at the very least a punch in the face.  Feel free to send nominations to us at hundreddollarhandshakes@gmail.com.  The List will be an ongoing summer endeavor and is a fluid situation to account for the future awfulness that these chosen few will surely produce.

You are killing our summer old man!

We hope you are happy with yourself #4.  You’ve held an entire city and football league hostage for over a month and all the while made sports television, radio, and hell, even the interwebs, unbearable to watch, listen to, and read.  Your incessant indecisiveness has removed all talk of anything else worthwhile.  I didn’t know the Olymics were even starting this week because apparently you arent competing in them.  The college football season is less than a month away, yet all we hear about is how you felt when you woke up this morning.  Seriously, we could care less if you play or not, just end the freaking production of it all.

And stop knitting this heartfelt yarn about just wanting to play again.  Its about you craving the attention and admiration of fans and the media (See Madden, John) as much as it is anything.  You’ve made poor Rachel Nichols and Wendy Nix stay in Green Bay for like 2 weeks! Thats a blatant case of false imprisonment if Ive ever seen one.  You’ve also given new life to Frank Caliendo schtick.  His act was done, finished, when you retired.  Now he’s got all fresh material and I can only assume we’ll all be subjected to another round of Frank TV ads, and for that transgression, you should be shot.

Oh, and my friend, you arent alone, we can all see who has the front door keys to the attention whore house here…

Heeeeey yaaaallllll, its me!  Im back!

So now you’ve summarily held the Green Bay Packers hostage.  You, your wife, and Bus Cook have called their bluff by showing up at camp with your Perfect Attendance Award from the Commissioner.  We are apparently only mere hours away from word that you’ve been dealt to the other Bay to join the veritable quarterback stable in Tampa (seriously, Jeff Garcia is somewhere smashing his favorite doll house in utter frustration right now).  Good for you.  We wont shed a tear on that first weekend when Charles Grant is left unimpeded in his pass rush that will result in injury that painkiller addictions wont subside.  No amount of feel good Wrangler jeans ads will cure the disdain we have for your act at this point.  And in the most condemning of all judgments…Ric Flair thinks you are a selfish boob…and we will always side with a 16 time World Champion versus your measly one title.

And to you Green Bay, now left with only your fond memories and a probable case of heart disease thanks to the copious amounts of cheese and sausage you ingest, many apologies for the inconvenience, but your hero doesnt love you, the game, his team, or his legacy more than himself. 

Sorry Timmy, #4 isnt coming…and there is no Santa Claus.