There are two things in this world we know entirely too much about, SEC football and Saved By the Bell.  Both are vats of completely useless knowledge (useless unless you are in the South or are in a conversation with Dustin Diamond, who is probably looking for someone to talk to anyway) that, when joined together will hopefully help us make sense of the always volatile SEC football season…or at the very least renew your lustful thoughts of Kelly Kapowski…either way its a win for all of us.

SEC East

1.  Florida/The Will:  The school inherits a large sum of money and the clever Mr. B decides that they’ll have a contest, girls versus boys, to decide how the money is spent.  Its a neck and neck contest til the very end when Zack and the boys decide to sabotage the girl’s oven during the cooking contest (yeah, up yours Tori).  They would have gotten away with it if not for that loud mouth Screech.  He lets the proverbial cat out of the bag and the girls decide to cut the boys off, so to speak, at the school dance until they confess.  That really has nothing to do with Florida football, other than the fact that Urban Meyer would not put up with that shit.  First off, he absolutely would have cheated to win, victory at all costs, people. Then the head Gator would have Screech hung and quartered at the 50 yard line for treason and then he and Tebow would show up at the school dance with some hot pieces from Valley just to show those frigid Bayside bitches what the score was.  10-2 (7-1)

2. Georgia/House Party:  Georgia’s parent’s are going out of town for the week and the Dawgs are left home alone, feeling good about their new found independence as the #1 man of the house.  Georgia’s having friends over, singing “Barbara Ann” with buddies in their florescent pajamas and plastic sun glasses, and throwing raucous parties for themselves.  Its all fun and games until the Bulldozer with the Heisman hood ornament plows into the Elvis statue at the party.  Hopelessness, despair, and the tearing of red dress pants in anguish ensue.  Luckily Mark Richt, complete with bleach blond hair and a 20 lbs cell phone, hatches a plan to throw another shindig, charge a cover, replace the statue and get everything back to the way it was before Mrs. Powers gets home.  10-2 (6-2)

3.  Tennessee/Home for Christmas:  Eric Berry, Jonathan Crompton, and the rest of the Vol family try to help out a homeless man in the mall during the special season.  The portly gentleman tells tales of how he used to be something great, he mentions something about a national championship but it seems too long ago for the gang to remember.  The Vols buy him a new suit (from Moody’s Store for Men!), give him a place to stay, and even give him some money in the hopes he can return to his previous form.  Unfortunately, he’ll probably squander his good fortune on krispy kremes and a not-quite-good-enough conference record.  10-2 (6-2)

4.  South Carolina/The Fabulous Belding Boys:  Theres a new guy in charge, he’s cool, he’s fast talking, he’s Mr. Belding’s brother Rodney, and he probably wears a visor. The Gamecocks are enamored with him and are almost certainly sure he will take them to the big white water rafting trip at the end of the semester.  They are so excited that they show up 80,000 strong every day with just that prospect in mind. When the day finally comes,  Rod leaves them high and dry for a weekend fling with a stewardess.  8-4 (5-3)

Gamecocks, he’s not taking you anywhere, regardless of what he tells you.

5.  Kentucky/Beauty and the Screech:  The most popular girl in school is finally paying attention to you and your football program.  Sure its all a ploy to pass a science test, but at least you are getting some face time finally.  Kelly seems sweet and innocent enough, she even puts up with your creepy robot friend.  You put together a few winning seasons for her in hopes that she’ll reciprocate with the same feelings you have for her.  But in the end youre still just the football program and Kelly will always be a sucker for hardwood, a motion offense, and Zack’s blond hi-lites.  6-6 (2-6)

Creepy robots, always c-blocking Kentucky

6.  Vanderbilt/Pinned to the Mat:  Faced with the proposition of wrestling Valley’s wrestling champion Marivn Nedick, Slater reevaluates his place in the world and instead of taking on Nedick in the most barbarous of sports, he decides to take up cooking, and even bakes a mean quiche. Vandy should have followed Slater’s lead long ago.  3-10 (1-7)

SEC West

1. LSU/Save that Tiger (of course):  This Valley/Bayside prank war has really gotten out of hand.  First those dastardly Valley Bulldogs tp the school and put silly string cannons in Zack and Slater’s lockers, but now they have stolen their most important Tiger, the one with the questionable criminal record and rocket arm, days before the big cheerleading competition.  He’s nowhere to be found, probably taken away by a group of Valley toughs, or off fighting terrorism, either one.  The mighty Tigers (see how easily that fits), somehow find away to win the competition regardless, tricking those Valley thugs, with the help of some ants down the uniform or perhaps simply with The Hat’s testicular fortitude, into thinking they have a viable Tiger running the show.  9-3 (5-3) 

2. Auburn/Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce:  Chef Screech’s new spaghetti sauce is a hit!  It spreads the field, utilizes his running quarterback, and apparently everyone at Auburn thinks it tastes delicious.  You’ve got Solei Moon Frye jocking you cause she thinks you are going places.  It even comes in handy serving beakers! One problem, its not their sauce.  Its someone else’s sauce and they have been making it for years.  You can’t just take someone elses sauce, throw it around all over the place in year one and think everything is just going to be hunky dory.   Betsy Crocker vehemently disagrees.  7-5 (4-4)

3. Ole Miss/Jessie’s Song:Someone had to overdose on caffeine pills in this preview.  The infectious insanity that is Houston Nutt and his traveling circus of crazy has the Ole Miss faithful so excited, so excited…so…scared.  A quick start and an upset win or two will have will have the Rebels thinking they can conquer the world (and get in to Stansbury)…but with all uppers…theres eventually a down, a down that will leave Ole Miss crying uncontrollably into their pillows over what could have been.  But, heres hoping the Rebels come out to the Hot Sundaes at some point.  7-5 (4-4)

Optimal levels of crazy in Oxford this season

4. Alabama/Pipe Dreams:  Bama has struck it rich!  While continuously trying to dig up the bones of national champions of the past they’ve hit oil under the football field, and he’s continuously dressed in a grey blazer.  He’s slick to the touch and has a penchant to whisper sweet nothings into the ears of any recruit.  You think you’ve got it made.  You have visions of a bigger, better Bayside, the Bayside you’ve always dreamed of.  But chances are the same championship cash cow you think you have will leave you covered in mud and black stuff holding a dead duck named Becky.  6-6 (3-5)

5. Arkansas/Theres No Hope With Dope:  Everybody is so excited that Johnny Dakota is at their school, what with his boyish good looks and a bonified passing attack.  Kelly Kapowski wears her shortest jean skirt in hopes that Johnny will show her his vertical offensive attack in a more personal setting.  Zac thinks Johnny is the coolest too…until he walks in on Johnny in the bathroom on a cell phone, with another school.  4-8 (2-6)

The allure of a passing game is tough to pass up, even for Kelly Kapowski

6. Mississippi State/Cream of the Day:  The gang thinks they have found a cure-all for their many blemishes.  Crooms has mistakenly concocted a topical cream that magically removes the arrests, academic issues, and general facial anomalies of the past, and even gives the program a nice bowl appearance.  Hell, even Crater Face Charlie is all cleared up.  But beauty and success are fleeting and all those close games you won last year swing the other way this season, and eventually all you are left with is a maroon face and a losing record.  3-9 (1-7)