Friends of the Program

Degenerate gamblers by nature and birthright, your humble blogging hosts Bunkie Perkins and Michael Medallion, and other special guests, try to give you some guidance as you wager your plasma donation earnings on this week’s games.   

Weekly Totals:

Bunkie Perkins: 3-2 (3-2 last week)

Mike Medallion: 0-5 (0-5 last week)

Since we were so craptacular last week (let’s be honest, Medallion’s the dead weight here) with the picks we decided to find someone who has some first hand knowledge about some of this stuff.  We’ve employed a former SEC football player turned alcoholic, who refers to himself as Drunk Jock. He would only give us his picks on the guarantee of anonymity, so we’ll do our best to keep his identity a secret. We pulled him away from the bar long enough to make the picks below.

Auburn -18 v. USM

Drunk Jock: Auburn. While the Auburn fan base was busy watching the ClimPson Tigers embarrass tigers across the country Saturday night their team was busy dominating on defense and doing a pretty good job of getting by on O. While Southern Miss played well in their win over another mighty Louisiana city school they are just a little too young to put up sufficient point on Auburns D.

BP: USM. The are whispers on the Plains that Auburn will in fact execute a forward football pass at some point this weekend…the corpse of Amos Alonza Stagg thinks that is foolhearty.  Auburn’s sudden offensive identity crisis wont prevent them from beating USM but the Yellow Buzzard running game will keep it closer than 18, but barely.

MM: USM. My homerism says take Auburn, but based on my horrible picks last week, it might be that, subconsciously, I’m taking USM knowing full well that I’ll be wrong.

Florida -21.5 v. Miami

Drunk Jock: Florida.  Name me 4 players that play for Miami? If you could do this get the hell out of the room you are creeping me out. In the battle for Americas penis (since come on FSUs head coach Bob Bowden hasnt been alive since 2003 so they arent involved) Im gonna have to go with the team with big names, big named coach, big named stadium, Heisman winner, national championship in the last 2 years and the home team. While this will be a close one (spreadwise) look for the Gators to turn it on late. Miami is still at least a year away from threatening and some of their players are distracted by the white powder on the field.

BP:  Miami. This game just doesnt have the latent violence and general criminality that it used to.  I for one kind of miss all the encarcerating drama that these two used to produce….4 words…Needs. More. Luther. Campbell.  The Canes can’t win this outright but I think they can keep it within 3 touchdowns.

MM:  Florida. Tebow Bible thumps Thug U, then, after putting Florida comfortably in the lead, he’ll circumcise a group of 3rd world orphans on the sidelines all the while making eyes at Erin Andrews across the field.

West Virginia -9 @ E. Carolina

Drunk Jock: West Virginia:  Growing up I always wanted to be an adventurer but which is more adventurous a pirate or a mountaineer? Both lead what more than likely lead to a homosexual lifestyle. Both a very much unkempt and dirty. Both are in search of gold. Way too close to say one is gonna run away with this and seriously WHY THE HELL DOES ANYONE PLAY AT ECU? Im going with the Pirates to play this one close nad if you are feeling froggie or already down for the day go ahead and moneyline those sons a bitches Lou Holtz will thank you for it.

BP:  West F’ing Virginia.  The Pat White for Heisman campaign begins in the mud and mire thanks to the death winds and rain of the approaching hurricane.  The Neers wont take ECU lightly after they ran all over the Wannstache the week before.  Charlotte, guard your couches.

MM:  West Virginia.  Mountaineer fans, wanting to make the trip to see their team play, spent all week looking for East Carolina on a map.  They’ll find it just in time to see West Virginia cover.

Ole Miss +9 @ Wake

Drunk Jock: Ole Miss.  In the on going war of Bow Tie v. Suspenders these two nerdy fan bases will no doubt have plenty of fashion tips written on signs in the stands.  ”Betas wear Ecru”. A WF friend of mine called earlier laughing bc they were gonna make Ole Miss wear white…..AFTER LABOR DAY…I mean come on what are they Catholic? My money will go on Houston Nutt to run the hayull out of the ball eat the clock and make Wake beat him with the short passing game which they will but only by a few. Im taking the (fashion) REBELS in this one.

BP:  Ole Miss.  The Crazy Train rolls into Winston-Salem in what looks to be another weather-hampered slop fest.  The Rebels 5-headed running hydra in the backfield will keep them in it enough to cover but look for Wake to get the win behind their super sexy quarterback.  Wait.  What?

MM:  Ole Miss.  After missing out last week, its Wake’s turn to be the over inflated ACC team that falls flat on its face, while the Crazy train rolls on for another week.

Stanford +14 @ Arizona State:

Drunk Jock: ASU.  Heres a little advice every now and then look at teams mascots. This week we have the DEVIL vs a tree? Ok the devil lives in a lake of fire, trees like lakes but HATE fire. So the ASU Devils will lure the Stanford future wide rulers in and throw all over them. My money is on the DEVILS to take this on big.

BP:  ASU.  Let’s look at this rationally for a second…Arizona State coeds look like this and this…and their cheerleaders take paictures dressed like this.  Stanford girls probably read alot of books and shit and they all probably look like this.  Thats reason enough for me.

MM:  ASU.  When deciding between a “party school” and a “smart kid school” always go with the party school unless swimming, gymnastics, water polo, or the science olympiad are involved.

Thems the picks for the weekend, we give the last word to our mystery celeb to close us out…

Drunk Jock: Hope everyone here hooks up with a fat chick that they dont remember and luckily lose the napkin with her number on it but smoothly not before putting it in your phone under the name Jennys Deep Dish.

 Well said….until next week sailors.