Degenerate gamblers by nature and birthright, your humble blogging hosts Bunkie Perkins and Michael Medallion, and other special guests, try to give you some guidance as you wager your plasma donation earnings on this week’s games.
Bunkie Perkins 6-4 (3-2 last week)
Mike Medallion 4-6 (4-1 last week)
We tried calling our super surprise guest all week but he never would pick up the phone. Luckily, we were driving by the local high school looking for dates minding our own business when we saw him sitting on the back of his pickup truck pumping lead into his old high school and college trophies…
Come on guys…I just need a little “me time”
He was kind enough to put down the firearm and, after consulting with his mental health professional, has agreedto help us with the picks this week…
Georgia -7.5 @ South Carolina
MM: Georgia. Things aren’t real cocky in Columbia these days and will remain somewhat flaccid when the Georgia Bulldogs come to town this weekend. (Ahhh dick jokes)
BP: Georgia. The quarterback multiple choice exam in Columbia continues as both Chris Smelley and Tommy Beecher will be sent in to throw into triple coverage at some point this weekend. Look for Heisman trophy candidate and Legomaniac , Knowshon Moreno to attempt a leap over the entire Gamecock D-line at some point. Spurrier begins contemplating the choices he made later in life after this weekend.
VY: *Sigh*…I don’t know, is it really all that important in the grand scheme of things? I mean so what if the guys from South Carolina throw alot of interceptions, I, like, do that all of the time and look at me, my life’s a bed of roses over here. I say just enjoy the nice fall evening amongst friends. Ill take the Gamecocks, but seriously, whats the point?
Wisconsin -1.5 @ Fresno State
MM: Wisconsin. Normally Wisconsin fans would be thrilled with a trip out of the doldrums of the Cheese State to Sunny California, but by now they’ve probably realized that Fresno is the armpit of the universe and is nowhere near the beach, LA, or anything resembling a vacation spot. They’ll exercise their vacay frustrations by ending Fresno’s slim hopes of a BCS berth.
BP: Fresno St. Historically fat, cholesterol safe houses that pose as Wisconsin fans will be happy to know that their road game experience at Fresno has the potential to involve assault and battery at the hands of processed meats. Artery blocking misdemeanors aside, the power of Pat Hill’s mustache compels me to take the Bulldogs.
VY: Did someone say there would be a sausage party? Color me intrigued. Fresno for sure then.
Ohio State +10.5 @ USC
MM: USC. TEN AND A HALF POINTS! The boys in Vegas are screaming at you to take tOSU. They want you to take it. Resists. Resist at all costs, though the bet will be calling your name like a $2 dollar Texas whore on dollar night…resist!
BP: Ohio State. Everyone is expecting a blowout here which totally and completely means it’ll be a close one. USC has Ray Maliuga, who, yes, is really scary looking…but the Buckeyes have the son of the Legion of Doom playing linebacker for them…thats enough for the cover, but not the win. Cheers to USC for keeping OSU from the title game, and subsequent annual foiling by SEC speed, this year though.
VY: Ah USC…I remember those glory days when I was single- beating ESPN’s “Greatest Team of All Time”. That seems like just yesterday, but one minute you are hoisting the national championship trophy over your head as confetti rains down, the next youre having your mom explain to the country why you are a joyless mess. Such is life.
Auburn -10.5 @ Mississippi State
MM: Auburn. Word out of Auburn country is the The Tony Franklin System and Self Help Motivational Tape Series will be out in full force in Starkvegas this weekend. As much as I want to continue the reverse psychology, anti-homerism pick (hey, it worked last week), Imgoing to have to go with the Lil’ Ball of Hate and the Tigers this week.
BP: Mississippi State. Auburn continues to get in its own way on offense… week one it was that whole throwing the oblong ball forward thing, last week it was a case of grand mal seizures in the red zone. This game just reeks of mistake prone football on both sides of the ball. We like 17-10 Plainsmen, cover by Croom and his tilted brim.
VY: Auburn may be the only one in this crazy mixed up world that really understands me. They just want to run free in the joyful football grasses but those mean men in charge keep wanting them to throw and stuff. Dont they understand that thats not what makes people like me and Auburn most happy? Solidarity Auburn, us free spirits have got to stick together.
Kansas +3 @ South Florida
MM: Mangina gets a tan on the Florida coast this weekend, the Bulls take the loss and are forgotten by the national media for the rest of the year, and you are glad you took Kansas and the points.
BP: South Florida. Kansas just smells like an 8-4 team this year. South Florida won a tough one in the “Most Magical Place on Earth” last week and should hold serve at home…plus Bulls fans arent afraid to wear team singlets in support of their school…thats got to count for something.
VY: I don’t want to do this picking stuff anymore. Seriously guys, Im done. Good luck with the rest of your season, really. I dont expect you to understand but please just give me some space ok. Kerry Collins said he’d help you guys out next week if you want. Toodles.