Friends of the Program

Degenerate gamblers by nature and birthright, your humble blogging hosts Bunkie Perkins and Michael Medallion, and other special guests, try to give you some as you wager your plasma donation earnings on this week’s games.   

Overall Standings:

Bunkie Perkins 11-8-1 (4-1 last week)

Mike Medallion 10-9-1 (4-1 last week)

And for my next trick, I will sorely disappoint you

Our special guest this week is none other than illusionist and waster of 2 hours of my precious time last night with his inane “Dive of Death” stunt that ended with him dangling from a harness awkwardly for a few seconds before being whisked away by a crane, or some balloons, or some other mythical force, David Blaine.  Expect picks to be made in a boring monotone voice and poor John Saunders trying to sell the entire debacle as “simply amazing”.

Auburn -6.5 v. UT

BP:  Tennessee.  This is the type of game that drives Vol fans crazy.  Just when it looks like the hoards of angry pitch fork and fiery torch wielding villagers are finally at the gates of the Fulmer household,  the doughboy pulls some improbable victory off to ensure the mediocre status quo in Knoxville.  Somewhere Clay Travis will be stomping his feet. 

MM:  Auburn. If you crossed Tommy Tuberville and Phil Fulmer, I guess you would get Dumbo. It’s ironic though that ”Dumbo” has been the theme for both coaches this year because of their new OC hires. Now, only a few games into the season, the dissension on the Plains and Rocky Top is mounting. But in these type of games, where a coach needs a win to settle down the masses and refill the Kool-Aid pitcher, Tubs usually comes out on top so that he can keep the jet grounded (though, Lowder and Co. don’t need the jet this year as Petrino will be in Auburn on Oct. 11) and save his job, as well as the jobs of his former Ole Miss assistant coaches, only to later offer up the sacrificial lamb (his OC) to the slaughter. Plus, Tubs won’t allow Auburn to make the Avoiding Shreveport poll next week, would he?

DB:   [in hushed, gravelly tones] Auburn.  The Tigers will rip the heart out of a shell shocked UT team.  leaving the crowd aghast and causing some black finger nail painted clown to jump back in suprise.  (Sidenote:  Chainsaw from Summer School thinks your act is weak, Dave)

UGA -7 v. Bama

BP:  Georgia.  I think the whole Johnny Cash overtones of this game are a bit much, but we’ll find out how “for real” Bama is after this one.  It’ll be close for a half but big game coach and expert carpet salesman Mark Richt will find a way to get it done. 

MM:  Nick Saban. I’m going with Saban, not Alabama, just Saban. He’s like Ditka in the mid-80s now…you refer to him by his last name only,he can take on an entire team by himself, and he could drive the Alabama bus in the Indy 500 and win. I see no reason why he can’t beat (or at least cover against) a bunch of college football players in black jerseys.

DB:  Bama.  Sure most of Alabama thinks Saban walks on water and can cure most forms of hepatitis, but can that a-hole float?  Yeah I didn’t think so!

Florida -22.5 v. Ole Miss

BP:  Ole Miss.  This one hinges on which incarnation of Jevan Snead shows up.  If its “Evil” Snead, expect at least one horrific interception and a possible grounding call in the endzone.  If “Good” Snead makes the trip it could be a shootout.  Im banking on the forces of goodness and virtue to prevail in a close one.

MM:  Ole Miss.The other night I talked with a friend of mine who is an Ole Miss grad about this game. She didn’t know what time the game started or if it was on TV (I didn’t either) but the one thing she did know was that while Ole Miss will likely lose, it wouldn’t be by more than 22.5 points. I’ll go with the former Ole Miss co-ed on this one. Plus, Nutt is crazy enough to lose at home to Vandy and then win on the road in the Swamp. Heck, Tubs did it last year with his 2-2 Auburn team, why not Ole Miss.

DB:  Florida. Ive been perfroming low cost dental surgery on the streets of Gainesville for the local rubes for years now.  Gotta stick with my clientele.

LSU -24 v. Miss State

BP:  LSU.  After the Auburn 3-2 extravaganza, Mississippi State’s defense looked to be its one saving grace, then they game up a bagillion yards to one-dimensional Georgia Tech, not a good sign.  Plus, this game has traditionally been an absolute blood bath.  How a Bulldog player didn’t die of outright terror last year we have no idea.  Much of the same this weekend. 

MM:  LSU. I thought the one thing the Bulldogs (particularly their fans) would have going for them the rest of the year was insanely high point spreads bestowed on them by the Vegas oddsmakers. But when I saw LSU at -24 for this game, like Andrew Hatch with a concussion, I fell over. It must be a mistake. But maybe there was some logic to it, the boys in Vegas could have come up with the line of -24 by taking the difference between the number of points LSU scored against Auburn (26) and the number of points that MSU scored against Auburn (2). But they forgot to take into account that those two points were scored by the MSU defense so I think in reality, the line should be LSU -26, so I’m going with LSU…though, also because LSU’s offense will likely put up at least 40 on the Bulldog defense, and well, I don’t think we have to worry about the Bulldog offense.

DB:  LSU.  Im always a hit at Tiger tailgates when I break this trick out.

Texas -27.5 v. Arkansas

BP:  Texas.  This game doesn’t have nearly the heat that it did in the old SWC days, or even the ol’ Houston Nutt  hanging the horns days.  Alot of the venom has gone out of this rivalry due to time and the occasional rescheduling because of hurricanes.  The Hogs looked terrible and I expect much of, if not more, of the same.  Horns in a landslide.

MM:  Texas.  Like MSU, I was expecting the Vegas oddsmakers to bless the R-Kansas faithful with a few more points here for this good ol’ SWC matchup, which still riles up folks in both states from time to time.  And especially after what Saban’s boys did to them last week. Texas will be worse…make that, a lot worse…like after finding out your wife is sleeping with all your friends, she tells you that your’s is the smallest.

DB:  Arkansas.  Like bobby Petrino, I can turn completely benign objects, like in his case a few winning seasons and a failed pro career, into lots and lots of money.