Someone get me a fatted calf!
An excerpt from the Book of Frank, Chapter 15, Verses 11- 32
11 And He said, a certain man had but one son 12 and that rather excitable young man said to his Father, give me the portion of gridiron control that falleth to me. And because the Father loved his possibly egocentric son, he relinquished his wealth to him. 13And not many years after that the son took his riches and won a respectable amount of games, made it to the SEC Championship a couple of times, ran a clean program, and earned a national reputation for motivation and talent development among he and his coaches, yet the good people of Arkansas felt even so that he had wasted his substance on riotess living. 14And when the son had given all there rose a handful of disappointing loses and the swine of Fayetteville began to be in want. 15 And when he turned to his people for support and encouragement they turned their backs and fed with the other like-swine. 16 The son sought out the swine in order to dine with them, yet no swine gave unto him lo they be called “Nutt Huggers” by the other pigs. 17 And when he came to himself, he said, How many high school spread geniuses have talent enough and a passing game to spare, while I perish among 3 yards and a cloud of dust? 18 I will arise and go to my Father and say unto Him, Father I need help, bring me the one they call Gus so that I might have his players and his passing game and have them both abundantly.
19 And he arose and went to his Father and then to the town of Springdale to woo (pig) the first born son of Beck. 20 8-1 ensued but all was not joyous in the land of the Ozarks, “Pass the ball more!” the swine shouted, “unleash the Gus on the masses!” 21 Yet the son was steadfast, turning his gaze upon the keeper of dat wood, looking for him to lead them to the promised land. 22 Yet while his heart pure and his intentions noble the son was not able to complete the journey. 23 The swine grew restless, there were meetings with the Father, verbal warfares during practice, and Freedom of Information Act requests upon the son’s cellular devices. 24 There were rumors of insurrection, emails passed from friends of the son to unsuspecting Springdalians, and even banners flown to the heights of the heavens. 25 And in its final hours, the son of Beck retreated, following the one they called Gus and others away from the son. 26 The son was left alone, only protected by the Father from the growing populace of angry swine. 27 In the final days, not even the Father could protect the son, because just as his son, He too was being overrun by the swine. 28 The son left his home, beaten and battered, seeking shelter from those who might give him care. 29 He turned to the people of Oxford, who had been through the trials of Job (or at least Greg Robinson), for what seemed like a fortnight, due to the recruiting-stained hands of a local shrimper. 30 And the son was thankful to the people of Oxford for the sanctuary they provided, and in turn they were thankful for the son’s enthusiasm and promise. 31 But on Saturday eve, the son must return to the home of his Father and again face the swine in order to restore his good name, 32 and the Father shall say unto the son, we should make merry and be glad, for you are my son who I thought was dead but is alive again, was lost and is found…and should beat that delusional pack of swine by at least 3 touchdowns…run up the score son.
So let it be written
6 responses so far ↓
EDSBS » Archive » CURIOUS INDEX, 10/24/08 // October 24, 2008 at 8:00 am |
[...] YEAHHHH VERILY GIGGITY And so the son returneth to the father, bearing with him bushels of shame and giggity. [...]
CURIOUS INDEX, 10/24/08 | antiDNA.com // October 24, 2008 at 8:15 am |
[...] YEAHHHH VERILY GIGGITY And so the son returneth to the father, bearing with him bushels of shame and&#… [...]
PeayHog // October 24, 2008 at 9:35 am |
That just about says it all.
Except the part from the second epistle to the Jones which says “thou shalt not cut the coke with a credit card in thine SUV”
DirkPiggler // October 24, 2008 at 11:51 am |
Nice selective quotation from the Book of Frank. Why didn’t they recite the remainder of the chapter?
33 But alas, it was not to be as desired by the Father and the son. 34For unto the swine the Messiah had come, so that the land and the program may be plentiful yet again as in days past. 35 As the heathen are want to do when a messiah cometh forth, they who huggeth the Nutt persecuted their savior, unwilling and unable to see the state of ruin and pestilence brought upon the land by the reign of the Father and his son. 36 The new Messiah was a jealous Messiah, yet confident in his superiority over the son. 37 The Messiah desireth to reward the true fans who supporteth Him. 38 Thus, He hath wrought death and destruction upon the Father, the son, and all those who huggeth heretofore. 39 Through his valiant soldiers of the swine, he raineth touchdown after touchdown upon those who dwelleth in the Grove. 40 The son was thus returned to the pits of hell, never to torment the good people of God’s country forevermore.
matthew, mark, luke, and hog // October 24, 2008 at 2:49 pm |
3 Touchdowns! We’re bad, but surely not that bad.
Fireworks For Jeffy // October 24, 2008 at 3:23 pm |
Well, Dirk, the reason he left that part out was because it was found full of typos and misspellings, etched onto a series of McDonald’s napkins with a sharpie.
Sadly, the way the story turns out, is that “Messiah”, as you refer to him, is actually, as the Koran calls another God-like character, “The Great Deceiver.” He leaves the swine in the next book.
That and anybody who believes that the Arkansas offense can ‘rain touchdown after touchdown’ upon anybody should immediately be tested for methamphetamine usage.