Cotton Bowl ’09:  Two really awesome mustaches enter, one really awesome mustache leaves

There are lots of intriguing match-ups in this years Cotton Bowl.  You’ve got the Dread Pirate Leach with his vaunted death by 5 wide offense and general skullduggery versus Houston Dale and his moonshine jugs of homemade crazy.   There’s Graham Harrell and Michael “I never knew my roommate was a Derrick Ferreal-level coke dealer” Crabtree matching scoring drives with Jevan Snead and the dread-locked penny racer otherwise known as Dexter McCluster.  And theres the massive flesh pressing between Tech’s mammoth Oline, led by some guy who fancies himself the second coming of Smash from Demolition, and an Ole Miss defensive line, led by Merchant of Violence , Peria Jerry.  Yet, all of those are undercards to the facially follicalled fracas to be played out in the periphery between the father of Ole Miss quarterback Jevan Snead and Texas Tech’s blatant Yosemite Sam rip-off, Raider Red. 

We introduced you to Mr. Snead (we don’t know his first name, but for the purposes of this post, he will, from this point forward, be known as “Hoss Snead”) in the early throws of the season, unintentionally of course, but after some expert sleuthiness from our friends over at the Nafoom Board, we discovered that he was in fact the patriarch of the Snead household.  And so it was destiny that the two greatest mustaches in college football should meet in their respective season’s final game to determine who is the bigger total bad ass in this scenario.

The completely one-sided breakdown of the match-up after the jump.

Stats:

Raider Red:  6ft 5, 200 lbs

Hoss Snead:  5 ft and none of your goddamn business inches, 235 lbs (mostly beer weight)

Hometown:

Raider Red:  Lubbock

Hoss Snead:  Stephenville, vacation homes in Sturgis and Panama City

Physical Make-up

Raider Red:  Made of felt and other polyester-based materials

Hoss Snead:  Made from the spare body parts of dead cowboys and stunt men.

Odor:

Raider Red:  Smells like tortillas and sweaty gym socks

Hoss Snead:  Gun powder, horse manure, burning tires, flap jacks with maple syrup, and fear….when combined, it smells like awesome.

Weapon of Choice

Raider Red:  Two guns, always up

Hoss Snead:  Check that right pocket…spurs that double as a key chain.  One unkind word and he turns that frown upside down, permanently.

Prized Possession:

Raider Red:  Pirate ship in a bottle given to him by Mike Leach

Hoss Snead:  The dried impacted feces of John Wayne…also in a bottle.

Mode of Transport to the Game

Raider Red:  A courtesy car into the stadium

Hoss Snead:  In 1980 model Trans-Am followed convoy of 18 wheelers led by the ghost of Jerry Reed.

Pre-game snack

Raider Red:  Gatorade and a Powerbar, for energy during the game

Hoss Snead:  Pork Rinds and a wad of Levi Garrett, to keep him regular

Entrance Music

Raider Red:  Texas Tech fight song

Hoss Snead:  Ronnie Millsap and Metallica mash-up sung live by Lemmy from Motorhead on a flaming stage filled with cage dancers and live tigers.

Famous Quote:

Raider Red:  “Guns up!”

Hoss Snead:  “Well, you gonna pull them pistols or just whistle Dixie”