Several hundred people shuffle into a dusty and unair-conditioned gymnasium at the Oswaldo “Ozzie” Guillen High School and Forceable Re-education Facility for the highly anticipated press conference where Venezuelan President and denouncer of all things American Hugo Chavez prepares to make a special announcement about his future.  Throngs of media who are attending under a cloud of threats against various family members steady their cameras as Chavez approaches the podium…

“Ladies and gentlemen, friends, family, members of the press, infidels…thank you for coming today.  This is an important day in any athlete’s life.  Its the day where we decide where we are going to spend the next four years of our lives.  This process has been very rewarding for me and my family.  I’d like to thank them, my coaches here at OGHS&FRF for all they have done for me through all of this.  I’d also like to thank the schools who recruited me, you made this decision very hard for me.”

He places three hats on the table.  An Alabama hat, a Florida hat, and a Texas hat.

“First let me talk about Alabama.  Everybody told me this place was a good fit for me.  A good school, thousands of loyal followers who will bend to my every wish and desire, and a head coach and leader, who, much like me,  is hell bent on bringing the rest of the free world to its knees as they tremble at the might of his empire.  He promised me we would dine on the carcases of the weak and fill our glasses with the blood of the vanquished as we drank to their bones.  We together would rule with an iron fist, take what we want, use who we please, and do it all at our fancy and whimsy!  WHAHAHAHA!……

Oh, sorry, where was I…oh yeah, Alabama…nice place.

Then there was Florida.  Obviously, I felt at home there.  Northern Florida has the proper amount of humidity, rural poverty, and coke dealers that I have been accustomed to.  I was recruited as a quarterback, and I’d like to, obviously be put into that position of ultimate power upon my arrival to campus.  I’ve often felt that a coup d’etat was the best means to go about procuring such a position, but not even I am diabolical enough to challenge the one they call Tebow.  Im not even sure my normal torture practices would work.  So thats Florida.

As for Texas..while the presence of substantial oil reserves in the state seems like a natural fit, as has been pointed out previously, this hat simply does not have enough swagga.

And so today, I’d like to make my choice official…”

Reaches under table, and pulls out a black bag.  He reaches in and pulls out a hat…

“Its Georgia baby! **

** (Photo Courtesy AP) So what if the Guaros de Lara football team just so happens to have the same colors and logo as UGA. Pure coincidence.  And we are sure Marlon Brown’s grandmother approves of the choice.