Embattled Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone has reportedly had a time of it in filling out the 2009 Ole Miss Rebels football slate.  The wish list that once included TCU, UVA, and even the vaunted Idaho Vandals (Kibbie Dome FTW!) has dwindled to a paltry list of FCS subdivsion whatchamacallits that boasts, perhaps singularly, the Garner-Webb Fighting Purple Warhawkgorillabeasts* (*May not be their real name).  We did a little checking with our vast bank of sources and discovered this isn’t the first time Pete Boone has struggled to fill his dance card…

We take you back to a simpler time in Mississippi, a more accommodating time where things weren’t so fast paced, people could leave their doors unlocked at night and the black man was banished to the areas of town where basic civil services were absent and packs of stray dogs were known to roam the streets and snatch up unattended infants…you know, the South.  Its here we find a young Pete Boone in his mother’s Grenada home, fretting over who to ask to the years Promenade Social.

Oh man, what to do, what to do, its a day before the big dance and I dont have a date.  You know what…yep…Im gonna do it…Im calling her up, Kelly, the head cheerleader.  Im gonna make this thing happen.  Im gonna ask her, she’s gonna say yes, this is gonna be great!  

Pete fiddles through the phonebook until he finds the number he’s looking for.  He dials, fingers trembling as he carefully turns the rotary.  It rings 3 times, his breath shortening and his mouth drying into a nervous paste when someone answers at the other end.

Hello, this is Kelly.

 

 

Hey…um Kelly, this is…um Peter Boone.

 

 

 

Hi…um wait, who?

 

 

 

Pete, Pete Boone, you know, I sit behind you in Math class.

 

 

 

Oh hi Pete.  Did you forget the homework for class or something?

 

 

 

No, no, no nothing like that.  I was calling to see if you’d want…

 

 

 

*Click*

 

 

 

*breathes a long sigh through his nose*  Well I guess she was busy or something….Lets try Joey, she’s always really nice to me in the hallways, and she’s pretty cute to boot.  Im pretty sure she’ll say yes.

 

He flips through the phone book again until he finds the number.  This time dialing with a little more confidence.  This is the one for sure.  The phone rings twice and a perky voice answers on the other end.

You’ve got Joey!  Who’s this?

 

 

 

Hey Joey!  Its me, Pete.  How are you?

 

 

 

Oh hey Pete, Im doing great, just helping my sister with some chores around the house.  What’s up?

 

 

 

Oh not much, just calling to…you know…see what was up…see what you’re up to…and stuff.

 

 

 

Um well…ok.

 

 

 

Yeah cool, well um…reason I called was…see there’s…you know about the dance and stuff tomorrow right?

 

 

 

Oh yeah!  Im really excited about it.  It should be alot of fun!

 

 

 

Yeah!  I know, I know…should be fun yeah…um well I was kinda wondering, and this is completely up to you, no pressure, really, it’d be more of like a friend thing, except like we’d just go, I mean we wouldn’t have to even dance if you didn’t want, I could like just stand by you cause you know…I mean what Im trying to say is…do you wanna, maybe, if you want, go with me to the dance?

 

Oh…oh…OH! No Pete!  I mean I would love to go with you…its just…you see Ive got this thing to go to tomorrow night…I like completely forgot about it, its this thing my mom is making me go to…

 

 

But isn’t your mom dead?

 

 

 

Did I say mom?  I meant Tom…my uncle Tom, from out of town, he’s coming in to see me and you know, I never get to see him, and I kinda already promised…I can’t get out of it, otherwise I would have loved to go with you.

 

 

Oh, yeah, um ok…yeah I know how that goes…my family is always making me do stupid stuff and, um..stuff.  We’ll yeah, ok.  We’ll I guess Ill just see you in school sometime then.

 

 

Yeah, great…well talk to you soon Pete. *a hurried click of the phone

 

 

 

Now what!?  

 

 

Pete slams down the receiver, sits at the end of his bed for a few moments to collect himself.  

Well here goes nothing.  

 

 

Pete picks up the school yearbook, flips to his classes’ page and closes his eyes as he drops his index finger down onto a photo.

Oh wow, ok, well, I guess we are at that point now, hope she’s home.  

 

 

Pete thumbs once again through the phone book until he finds his number.  His dialing is slow, methodical, almost begrudged.  The phone rings several times, Pete counts 10, until a raspy voice answers on the other end and the faint sound of an indiscernible punk song can be heard in the background.

Yeah, hello.

 

 

 

Hey um, Crystal, this is Pete…Pete Boone.  You may not remember me, we had art together last year, I think we have the same lunch period…but I mean I don’t see you at lunch…I mean you are usually outside with some other kids in the alley smoking…um I mean, that’s cool, that’s totally cool you know…

 

Yeah, ok, whatever, what do you want?

 

 

 

Oh, well ok, I was just calling cause you know, the dance is coming up tomorrow…

 

 

 

Yeah so?  

 

 

 

Yeah well, I was kinda wondering, if you weren’t busy, or weren’t already going you know, that maybe we could go together.  You know, I could come pick you up, or if you want, you could come over here, yeah, come over to my place instead, that’d be great.  Ill even pay for your gas if thats cool…

 

 

Seriously!?  Did my mom put you up to this!  

Pulls away from the phone and begins screaming down the hall.  

 

 

MOM!  DID YOU DO THIS!? I HATE YOU, WHY WON’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.  IM SORRY IM NOT YOUR PERFECT LITTLE PRINCESS CHEERLEADER BITCH!  I HOPE YOU DIE!  IM CUTTING!  IM CUTTING MYSELF RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF YOU, I HOPE YOURE HAP…

The phone goes dead.

Pete lets out another large sigh, and lays back on his bed, arms behind his head.  He looks over to his bed side table…

Well….I guess its just you and me again this year.

 

 

 

 Shit.