A daring heist took place over the weekend in Auburn according to The Auburn Plainsman.
It is 2:00 AM. You are drunk. Auburn is 20 something hours away from defeating the Mountain Mens of the Virginia to the West. Your night is fulfilled as you have had your late night McDonald’s and you are clearly alone. You are ready to go to bed. You need your rest for Game Day. Thus you certainly don’t have time to wait for University Sponsored Tiger Transit’s schedule. The world is yours, as he who takes no classes on Friday must drink 2 cases of the Beast Light on the frat porch during the day and then 12 buttery nipple shots at Sky Bar at night to loosen the liver for the next day. Because of this you make the law and thus justly take the keys…
An Auburn University Tiger Transit bus was stolen in front of the McDonalds on West Magnolia Avenue after 2 a.m. Saturday.
“Somebody just didn’t want to wait, “ said University Manager of Transit Services Rex Huffman
You are damn right Rex. Waiting is for losers and sober folk. And our protagonist is clearly neither of those… so what did he do when he arrived home?
“The driver got out and ran from the vehicle, disappearing between a couple of buildings,” Chandler said. “Two passengers stumbled off of the transit – they had apparently gotten on asking for a ride to Supper Club.”
You can blame the two hoppers on what we like to call Post Binge Zombie Syndrome. You know, the guys who have been drinking so hard and so long that have no business still being awake and their brain agrees via cutting communication to the eyes and mouth, yet still allowing the feet and arms to function (albeit at an extremely reduced capacity). Only people in said Zombie state would believe a disheveled intoxicated dude with McGriddle like night sweats and distressingly slurred speech is legally giving rides to The Supper Club in a University owned vehicle.
The great part is that the main character in this Grand Theft Auto – Auburn, AL is likely going to get away with it and thus embolden him to try an even more elaborate heist next game weekend, hopefully leading to an even more exciting blog post.
Does the University own a helicopter?