“Hey, look at the big brain on Austin!” 

With the announcement that Ole Miss Offensive Coordinator Kent Austin has decided to turn his attention to more intellectual pursuits and take the head coaching job at Cornell rather than return to his alma mater for a 3rd season under Houston Nutt comes speculation as to who might be the new man to “lead” the Rebel offense.  Frankly, theres a whole slew of various inanimate objects that will more than suffice to give the illusion that someone other than Houston Nutt is calling the plays.  To assist in the search, I’ve assembled a list of possible candidates…

A Cardboard Cut-Out of Houston Nutt:  Same general offensive principles as the head coach, almost as handsome.  Can also stand in at home for the real Houston when he is out on a “recruiting trip”.

Skidboot the Wonder Dog:  Obedient.  Follows directions.  Enjoys belly rubs.  Unfortunately, will likely shit where he eats.

David Lee:  Obedient.  Follows directions.  Enjoys belly rubs.  Fortunately, won’t even think about shitting unless Houston tells him to.

A Jar of Mayonnaise:  Delicious on a variety of sandwiches.  Likely to lose Houston’s attention during the interview when it mentions something about it’s ability to spread.

Roy Clark:  Will bring the entire collection of HeeHaw episodes for Houston’s personal “game tape library”.  Plays a mean banjo and thinks the forward pass is for pussies.

10 Yard Fight on Nintendo:  A three back set with the ability to only run to the left, middle, and right, all set in 8 bits of graphic glory.  Houston wholeheartedly endorses this candidate.