Word broke late yesterday that the NCAA investigation of North Carolina has now expanded to include potential academic infractions involving up to 10 Tar Heel players, all of who were moved to the scout team this week in wake of the investigation.  The investigation centers around potential academic fraud perpetrated by a UNC tutor…a tutor that also happened to be Butch Davis’s kids’ nanny, according to Joe Schad, who is your ESPN leader in nanny related breaking news.  In wake of these findings, the NCAA has expanded its investigation an has begun questioning all nannies about their involvement in the scandal.  The following is a brief transcript of those interviews…

You understand, at this time, that this is simply an informal fact finding interview where we are trying to determine, based on the answers that each of you provides, whether a full investigation is warranted.  We will be asking all of you some questions about your relationship with Butch Davis and the North Carolina football program.  Do you understand?

Certainly dear boy.  Ask away.

.

.

Well alright Ms. Poppins, we’ll start with you.  Could you describe your relationship with any Tar Heel football players.

.

.

Why yes.  I watched after some of the boys.  We sang songs, played games, danced with a local chimney sweep and I even administered medicine from time to time.

.

.

Medicine?…You mean drugs?  You gave these players performance enhancing drugs.

.

.

Well, call it what you like darling, but cod liver oil has alot of uses…strong bones, healthy muscles, virility, and it really gives the hair a full body and nice shine….and you know, mix a little sugar in with that too doesn’t hurt.

.

(Searches frantically in the “Banned Substances” list for cod liver oil and sugar)  I…I’ll have to get back with you on that Ms. Poppins.  Now you, ma’am, what was your relationship with Coach Davis and any of his players?

.

SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK

.

Wait…what?  I didn’t understand your answer….and Im fairly sure that Im bleeding out of my ears now. 

.

.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA

.

Sweet tap dancing christ…ok, we’ll come back to you too….now you sir, in your role as nanny, did you have any contact with any North Carolina football players?

.

.

Ay…whoa, whoa, whoa…Im NOT a nanny…Im the housekeeper.  And I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about.  Closest thing I ever seen to a Tar Heel was that time I mistakenly walked in on Mona when she was full frontal.

.

Ah…ok…my mistake.

.

.

No worries buddy…thoughts and prayers.

.

.

*Sigh*…what about you ma’am?  Any contact with Coach Davis or the players?

.

.

Why yes we did.  We played games, and sang songs, and explored the wonderful world of magic!

.

.

You hack bitch! (takes a swing at Nanny McPhee with her umbrella)

.

.

Ladies, ladies please!  This is totally uncalled for!  I’ll ask you to both please leave the interview room.  (Breaks the women up and pushes them out the door). 

.

.

(returns to his seat to find only one nanny left in the room) Ok sir, you’re our last hope in this matter.  Do you know ANYTHING?

.

.

Mister, I don’t know anything.  Ive spent all my time with Master Bates.

.

.

Excuse me?  You masturbated with the players?  Sir, that’s highly irregular and frankly most disturbing.

.

.

His daddy made me do it. Paid me too.  He and Fannie…they made me do it.

.

.

You masturbated with Butch Davis’ consent and someone’s ass was involved?  And they paid you for it!?

I…I…I think we’re done here. 

Thanks for your time.