You know…I thought about doing some clever little photoshop with the Mad Men logo and some cort of joke slighting Bama fan or something.  Instead, I opted for “ready for a night out on the town” Joan Holloway.  It was an easy choice.

The working environments  in the SEC  and in the halls of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce seem to be alot alike.  There’s backstabbing, conniving, incestuous inter-office relationships in both places…and, of course, copious amounts of drinking.  Both have been lauded for their unique dress and style (Im looking at your jorts, Gator fan) while offering second to none story lines and general high drama.  As we are mere days away from the SEC slate and well into season 4 of Mad Men and Don Draper’s descent into his own personal whiskey fueled depression (I like to call them the Orgeron years), there are some stark similarities between the Mad Men main players and the SEC membership that need be explored…or at the very least, shoe horned in so I can make an uncomfortable Sally Draper masturbation scene reference at some point.

SEC East

1. Florida (Roger Sterling)  Despite recent graduation or the inevitable divorce, still the leader of the pack.  Getting drunk by noon or starting a new quarterback wont deter them from closing the deal on another SEC East title.  Urban Meyer, like Roger Sterling, is the most likely to die of a heart attack before the end of the season.  Prediction 11-2 (6-2)

2.  South Carolina (Peggy Olson)  Like Peggy, never quite garnering the respect that they think they deserve, all the while never being able to close the deal with a win against Florida or coming up with the right campaign for Pond’s Cold Cream.  South Carolina always seems to come out of the gate on fire with an upset win over Alabama or something, only to lose their way by the end of the season, finding themselves in an abandoned building watching beatnik homemade movies wth their new lesbian friend. Prediction: 8-4 (5-3)

3.  Georgia (Betty (Draper) Francis)  Once a main player, Georgia is now exposed for the charade that it always has been…a bi-polar mental case that was likely touched funny by Vince Dooley way back in the day.  They’ll look like the virtuous prom queen one week and then the next they’re are banging some random in the coat room of some downtown bar the next.  They’ll claim that they are totally fine and that all of this transition time is just temporary…don’t worry Georgia, we all know it’s temporary.  Prediction: 9-3 (5-3)

4.  Tennessee (Bert Cooper)  Once a proud and founding member, time and the hiring of a delusional spastic has finally caught up with them.  They are a mere shadow of their former self, and even though the prospects of a new start-up agency or a new coach (who, like Bert, has immaculate hair) may give them a temporary boost of energy and motivation, they’ll end up asleep in their chair by mid season waiting for someone to come wake them up when its all over.  Prediction 6-6 (3-5)

5.  Kentucky (Freddy Rumsen)  Who doesn’t love Kentucky or Freddy?  They’re reliable, always good for 4 or 5 wins out of the gate against soft  non-conference teams or the old standard ad campaign featuring Broadway star Tallulah Bankhead.  Everything looks promising for the season until they show up one day, about mid-season, drunk as a skunk and end up pissing all over themselves in a meeting.  Kentucky is going to need a change of slacks by week 4, but at least they can play the alma mater on their zipper.  Prediction: 5-7 (1-7)

6.  Vanderbilt (Glenn Bishop)  Not really a main player in the story, but always entertaining when they actually show up.  Pretty harmless until you let them in a game or your home and then they are threatening to walk out of your stadium with a win and calling your daughter to discuss overly adult things.  While it’s never revealed in the story, Im also fairly sure that Glenn has inseminated a turkey a time or two.  Prediction: 2-11 (0-8)

SEC West

1.  Alabama (Don Draper)  The central figure, as always.  Immensely charming and talented but tragically flawed with wholesale change-overs on defense, an injured Heisman trophy winner, and the propensity to wake up out of a whisky fog to find themselves laying next to a diner waitress named Doris.  They’re likely to come out alright in the end but it’s not for a lack of road losses and bouts of rough sex with prostitutes along the way. Prediction: 11-2 (6-2)

2.  Auburn (Pete Campbell) A real up and comer, a go getter if you will.  Motivated and willing to do whatever it takes and walk over whoever gets in the way to get to the top. But when the chips are down and Roger Sterling busts in at the end of the season at the Iron Bowl meeting with Honda demanding that those good-for-nothing Japs hit the bricks, Auburn will lose they’re cool and it’ll take a seasoned pro like Draper to close the deal.  Prediction: 11-2 (6-2)

3.  Arkansas (Lane Pryce)  They are the product of a merger, they speak with an accent, nobody is terribly fond of them, and they overreact in less than dire situations.  On the surface they will seem calm and collected, picking up early wins and maybe even an upset over Bama, but down the stretch, after some tough road losses and news that their wife is leaving them, they’ll end up fashioning a t-bone as a belt buckle and shacking up with the Cotton Bowl or a Draper-financed call girl as a means of comfort. Prediction: 10-3 (5-3)

4.  LSU (Joan (Holloway) Harris) Both have huge boobs at the top and, like Joan, at some point in the year, LSU will have an abortion or two that they aren’t too terribly proud of.  If that happens, LSU fan’s only hope to restore the program back to what it was is if Les Miles goes off to Vietnam and gets killed. Prediction 8-4 (5-3)

5.  Ole Miss (Sally Draper)  The NCAA has taken your Daddy away and now you are lashing out.  You’ve cut your hair to show your displeasure but no one seems to be giving the sympathy you want.  The season will start out all right, but eventually you’ll be found in the Music City Bowl, playing with yourself at a friend’s house in view of everyone and in need of therapy.  Prediction 7-5 (3-5)

6.  Mississippi State (Rachel Menken)  They show alot of promise.  They are the heir to the Florida Spread Offense and a Jewish Department Store.  They’ll flirt with the big boys at some point in the season, maybe even pulling off a rooftop rendevous and an upset win along the way, but will disappear due to marital circumstance and the lack of a consistent defensive effort.  Prediction: 5-7 (2-6)