After a few days of outright denial and indignation, I have resigned myself to the fact that the Ole Miss football season will be a complete and utter abortion, not seen since the days of Orgeron…and even those 3 and 4 win days seem like a pipe dream at this point. That’s right, Ive given up. I had been optimistic that, after the Jacksonville State debacle, as Parrish Alford wrote, it was not a beginning of a terrible season, but merely a terrible beginning of a season. I think we are past the point of that kind of optimism now. It’d be easy for me to just dismiss the season, refuse to watch the team, and go on throughout the fall as if none of this ever happened. The problem with that is, Ive got obligations. Im obliged to attend no less that 4 more Ole Miss games this season for various reasons. So instead of ignoring the obvious, Im facing the issue head on, taking my medicine, and dutifully surrendering to friends and alums of rival schools in person (trips to Fayetteville and Baton Rouge being the two most notable potentially self deprecating of away games). The good news for alot of Rebel fans is they dont have to, or maybe even, are unwilling to, do this. And really, I can’t blame you. Theres no reason you, o’ Rebel faithful, should have to endure the ridicule any longer. Make better use of your time, I wish I could.
To help you in this endeavor below are a few suggestions of how you, as an Ole Miss fan, can break free from the shackles of a dismal football season and spend each Saturday from here on out a little more productively.
Ole Miss v. Fresno : Get drunk
You are just getting used to this new life without Ole Miss football. The initial withdrawalsare gonna be pretty substantial. Best to take the edge off at least. May I recommend any assortment of fine whiskeys, perhaps one that is both agreeable with your pallet and also mixes well with diet coke and tears. At first, you’ll probably just want to slam that bottle of Makers that’s been eye balling you ever since halftime of the Vandy game, but you’ve earned a reputation around the league as a fancy pants, what with your sear sucker suits and vast color assortment of Southern Tide polos and all, so might as well go with it…grab you a nice drinking glass and a moderately priced cigar and ease your way into this new disappointmentless comfort zone….besides, Masoli’s probably running for his life behind that sieve of a line around this time. You’re better off.
Ole Miss v. Kentucky: Watch The Wire on Netflix
I’ve never watched The Wire. I’d really like to and so would you. Bill Simmons says its great so who the hell are you to question that kind of endorsement. In fact, every time you or I admit that we’ve never watched the show, our street cred goes down exponentially. Time to put a stop to that. It’s on Netflix so order that shit now and quit putting it off. You can likely get through 4 episodes in the time it would take to watch some team with inferior talent baffle Tyrone Nix with the magical wonders of the read option play.
Ole Miss v. Alabama: Learn to play piano
History says you should never watch this game if you are an Ole Miss fan. It never ends well and, this year, Im sure, won’t be any different. Besides, your mother always wanted you to learn how to play the piano. You never wanted to. As a kid, you always had a bout of smear the queer or a Nintendo game marathon to complete. And now look what happened…guys like John Mayer fall into vats of endless fresh trim every night and you are sitting there musically talentless and trimless…but hey, that Steve Bedrosian was unhittable on RBI Baseball, wasn’t he? Alls not lost, go dust off that paino your grammy left you in her will and get to learning chop sticks, son. It’ll be a nice way to drown out the Houston Nutt post game interviews where he blames everybody but himself.
Ole Miss @ Arkansas: Catch up on your correspondence
Nobody writes a letter anymore. I for one like a good bit of stationary, and, I’ll be honest, I’ve always been intrigued by that candle, red bar of wax, engraved stamp sealing combo. A letter always has that added bit of an aire of importance that gets lost in emails, texts, and Facebook. So take a few hours, write some old girlfriends and tell them how you never really stopped caring about them and every time you drive by their house or call and then hang up its just a cry to get back together, and as long as you do that wax seal thingy, its gotta come off as less creepy. Right? Right!? Plus, it’ll give you practice for writing that refund demand letter to the Ole Miss ticket office after you witness the 3rd failed swing pass to Brandon Bolden of the night.
Ole Miss v. Auburn: Learn to Cook
I can’t cook. You probably can’t either. I dont mean grilling steaks, I’m a man, I can do that…I mean actually cooking…like souffles and shit. You can’t cook a quiche…might as well learn how to get the crust to egg ratio just right while you’ve got the free time. You kept threatening your parents that you’d drop out of college and go to culinary school just like all of the rest of your wayward trust fund friends, this is the next best thing. So while you are getting your puree’ on,you wont have to see the Ole Miss punt team take the field for the 8th time in a half.
Ole Miss v. ULL: Decide, once and for all, whether or not you like the Avett Brothers
By sheer southern whiteness alone, I know Im supposed to like these guys and you are probably supposed to like them to.. I get it, they’re lyrics are moving…but every time you tell me to “just listen to the words, man” all I hear are banjos and pots and pans clanging together. Guess it beats watching Ferbia Allen drop sure touchdowns.
Ole Miss @ Tennessee : Hunt for loose change
I’ve always seen these guys on the beach…they’ve got to have some sort of measure of success otherwise they wouldn’t be out there doing it. You get to, essentially, carry around a magic wand and wear really cool looking air traffic controller head phones all the while searching for buried treasure while trying not to make it obvious that you think the king’s share of the booty is under the group of tanning coeds. Regardless, the chance to avoid seeing Bradley Sowell wiff a block is worth his weight in gold.
Ole Miss @ LSU: Start smoking a pipe
Why not? You get tobacco presented in fine mahogany and ivory craftsmanship. Dont’ be a pussy…Gerald Ford smoked one, and that guy played football before they invented helmets or the illegal chop block. You’ll look like a real statesman, and that kind of perception of sophistication and dignity is important when you are trying to hide your searing anger over the secondary’s inability to understand the basic tenetsof covering a 7 yard out route within the confines of a Cover 2.
Ole Miss v. Mississippi State: Put yourself out of your misery
If you’ve made it this far in the season without a relapse, good for you…problem is, it’ll start all over again next year. I recommend R. Budd Dwyer tactics at that point.