Is there no one in the entire state of Alabama that is willing to represent Harvey Updyke, the Toomer’s Corner tree assassin and noted resident of a van down by the river?  Is the not one noble barrister willing to dismiss his own prejudices and allegiances to assist the least of those in their time of judicial need?  While it appears that such an advocate has stepped forward, its likely only a matter of time before he to asks to be removed from representation as well.  If the inevitable happens and Updyke is left lawyer-less yet again, I felt it necessary to provide the indigent with a short list of candidates who Im sure would be more than willing to take the case.  Unfortunately for Mr. Updyke, when you are forced to accept free legal services, and in this case, free legal services 4, or perhaps, 5 times removed, you get what you pay for.

Atticus Finch, Maycomb, Alabama

Pros: A model of integrity within the legal profession.  Licensed in Alabama.  Like Updyke, understands the innate desire to give your children dumb names.  Can deal with a hostile crowd.  Boo Radley Security Services are complimentary.

Cons: A model of integrity within the legal profession.

Jake Brigance, Canton, Mississippi

Pros: Willing to take on controversial clients at the risk of harm to himself and his family. Exceptional finisher during closing arguments.

Cons: Overly sweaty.  Questionable decision making (Bullock over Judd).  Having the jury imagine that the Toomer’s tree is white appears to have no relevance in this case.

Vincent LaGuardia Gambini, Beechum County, Alabama by way of Brooklyn, New York

Pros: Seems willing to overlook licensing issues within the state of Alabama.  Fast learner.  Has experience in defense role involving college athletics (once represented two Utes)

Cons: Case does not seem to involve the axle difference bewteen a Pontiac Tempest and a Buick Skylark…yet.

Martin Vail, Chicago, Illinois

Pros: Willing to vigorously defend against seemingly a mountain of evidence toward his client’s guilt.  Used to dealing with the mentally unstable.

Cons: Easily duped.  Rumored to have more than a passing affection for members of the rodent family, therefore perhaps sympathetic to squirrels that may have inhabited the Toomer’s trees.

The Ghost of Johnny Cochran, Hell (assumed)

Pros: Got OJ Simpson off.

Cons: Dead.

Jackie Chiles, New York, New York

Pros: Extremely gifted with adjectives.  Willing to take cases no matter the absurdity involved.

Cons: Will jump at any settlement offered.  Will sleep with your ex-girlfriend, whom you suspected of having implants, after losing your case.

Bob Diamond, Judgement City

Pros: Uses 48% of his brain.  Got Daniel Miller into Heaven.

Cons: Drunk.  Really really drunk.

Dan Fielding, Manhattan, New York

Pros: Cocksman. Impeccable hair.

Cons: Typically in a prosecuting role.  Probably banged Markey Post.

Corey B. Trotz, Memphis, Tennessee

Pros: A heavy hitter.  Can help you out with that structured settlement.  Quite media savvy.  B might stand for “Bear”.

Cons: Allergic to pro bono work.

Clay Travis, Nashville, Tennessee

Pros: He is a lawyer…just ask him.  Familiar with the SEC and its rival factions.  Did you know he married an NFL cheerleader?  Has Phil Fulmer on retainer for any character witness needs.  Has a beard that will apparently “get it done”.

Cons: Doesn’t do real well when forced to stand in for other attorneys. Feels he must have an immediate reaction to any and all occurrences.  Will trumpet your exploits until popular opinion shifts, then he will light the mob’s torches and carry their pitch forks them.  Likely to call into Finebaum during jury slection, just to stay on Paul’s good side.