Hey Maurice Jones Drew, what do you think about Clay Travis holding a roast for himself?  Yeah, me too.

So, lawyer, cheerleader marrier, and expert in Alabama-based bulk retailers of fashionable menswear, Clay Travis, had a  a roast for himself last night.  I almost can’t type that without entering into the throws of a grand mal seizure out of sheer disbelief in the levels of self-gratification.  A guy, who is blog-famous for once asking Tim Tebow, in front of a room of other grown me and television cameras, if he was in fact chaste at the levels he had proclaimed, felt he was so important in the eyes of God, the internet,  and the city of Nashville that he needed produce an event in which peers could spend a few hours talking about, well, him.    The humblebragness of that concept is simply staggering…come on over and make fun of me while talking about me and dedicating an entire night in which I make you darken the door at Dick’s Last Resort, all in the name of me…oh and there is a two drink minimum.  DONT FORGET TO ASK ME FOR A PROMOTIONAL CODE SO YOU CAN GET 25% OFF YOUR NEXT PURCHASE AT DUCKHEAD.COM! 

Truly an amazing lack of self awareness and hubris-y behavior.

Thankfully, all hope of skewering Clay at his own event was not lost, as Chris Vernon, he of Fox Sports Radio on 730 AM in Memphis, who was a presenter at the roast, got in touch with myself and Rick Muscles (with assists from @RadioFreeBlake and @joey_t) and asked us to write material for him and the night’s emcee.  While there is no video of the event…yet, below is what we sent in.  So, light a copy of Dixie Land Delight on fire (a book that anyone with free time and a road map of the South could have written) to warm your soul and enjoy…

Welcome to the Clay Travis Roast…a roast that Spencer Hall will do ten times better in about a day or so.

Clay is such a terrible attorney.  If TNT were to create a show based on his legal career it would be called “Franklin & A complete and total discredit to lawyers everywhere”

Clay Travis is such a terrible attorney, the Orlando DA’s office mailed his resume back to him siting concerns over his legal competence.

Luckily, Clay will always be able to remind us that he is an attorney, because, up until now, Tenn can’t disbar someone for being a douchebag.

Clay has truly made it in this industry.  You know you are truly a player in this game when your biggest claim to fame is asking a man, who is paid to endorse underwear, if he is a virgin or not.

If ClayNation were a real country, it would be Japan because it steals the best from everywhere else and makes it its own and its prone to bombing.

It’s fitting that this is being held in a place called Last Resort…because that’s exactly what Deadspin calls Clay when they are looking for new editors.

Clay grew the beard so you wouldn’t see Phil Fulmer’s balls directly on his chin.

OutKickTheCoverage is the only site where I actually prefer the banner ads to the content. (from Zac)

James Franklin is here….so Clay isn’t the only guy in the building heading up a lost cause.

James Franklin is doing so well in recruiting that Willie Lyles sent him a bill out of habit.

I appreciate Paul Finebaum removing his head out of Nick Saban’s ass in order to be here tonight.

Paul’s head is so far up Saban’s ass, that he and Mal Moore bought a time share up there.

Paul has made such a living off of Alabama backwoods rednecks, that Methamphetamine is suing him for copyright infringement.

Clay spent 2 hours cleaning donut glaze out of his beard from blowing Phil Fulmer.

These jokes suck because the writers clay, doesn’t pay on his website wrote ‘em.

Clay’s sponsored by duck head so now he’s dressed and looks like a 1990s teenager

Clay’s skin is so bad his beard better be getting it done.

A roast for clay Travis? That’s about as relavant as duck head shorts?

Wanna take this minute to remember Steve Mcnair. Clay Travis’s wife’s first husband.

Clay is like the comedy central of sec football because he steals more jokes than Carlos Mencia

Clay Travis has a beard, it used to be a titans cheerleader.

Clay likes to make jokes about names w/ apostrophes, as in clay’s website sucks.

We’re roasting Clay Travis? Legend and Tammy from Finebaum’s show are more famous than Clay.

Clay your parents must be proud, you have a law degree and you spend your time writing about boys being fitted for suits.

Clay’s accussed Alabama and Auburn of so many NCAA violations he’s less popular there than Joran Van Der Sloot.