Charles Jefferson…just the type of student Nick Saban High will be looking for

The naming of a new high school seems like it would be a relatively mundane and somewhat regimented task.  You’d usually name the school after the town, or the area, or a dead president, or a dead astronaut, or any assortment of dead local school administrators, and that’d be the long and short of it.

Montgomery, Alabama chose not to follow that tried and true school naming formulae.  Instead they decided to open up the discussion to the unwashed Finebaum-listening masses and put the thing to a popular vote…or at least put the decision up to public suggestion.  When they did this…of course they got multiple suggestions to name the new center for the advancement of young minds “Nick Saban High”.

Nick Saban High School, anyone?

Yes, of the approximately 60 suggestions received from the public, Nick Saban High is on the list. It was among the many intriguing and thought-provoking ideas submitted, but ultimately not chosen.

Officials have said the name isn’t just a label, but rather an identity for a school that will impact the lives of countless young people. After all, who doesn’t remember the name and mascot of their high school alma mater?

The list of name ideas included suggestions from the University of Alabama football coach to beloved school personnel to notable Montgomerians and even historical figures from long ago.

Montgomery Public Schools spokesman Tom Salter, who was on the naming committee, said he certainly learned a lot during the process. But when grilled about the potential of a Saban High, he chose his words carefully.

“As big as an Alabama fan as I am, it would likely not be an appropriate choice, especially this close to the Plains,” he said.

And also…

 Salter playfully declined comment when asked to speculate why there were no submission for Auburn University football coach Gene Chizik.

That’s trolling with silence in it’s most Troll Tide Troll of forms, Montgomery School Board Spokesman Salter, well played.

While the article didn’t specify, I’ve got believe that the decision to pass on naming the new school “Nick Saban High” was not solely based on the school’s proximity to the Plains, but also the extensive list of demands that Nick Saban would probably have regarding his new school.  What kind of demands you ask?  One could only speculate…I mean, I’d hate to just blindly guess at such a thing…I…I wouldn’t want to even..I…ok…stuff like this…

• The school mascot will be a head full of finely feathered hair’
• School uniforms will be worn at all times.  This is the school uniform.
• Admittance into school will solely be based on 40 times.
• All students that reach the height of 5′ 8″ before their time of graduation will be immediately expelled.
• Subjects such as English, Science, and Math will be replaced by weight lifting, weight lifting, and weight lifting.
• Listening to Finebaum every afternoon gets you AP credit
• All district championships prior to the school’s existence will be grandfathered in since, had the school existed, they would have won them.
• The school cafeteria will only serve bland food.  There will be no impressive spreads.  It will be boring yet highly nutritious.
• History classes will be broken up into “Pre-Bear” and “Post-Bear” curriculum.
• Finals week will be in full pads.
• The only sanctioned after school activity: more weight lifting.
• Everyone in Alabama will be allowed to act like an alum, as diplomas will be given out to everyone in the state whether they went there or not.

Feel free to add more rules of Nick Saban High in the comments.