Darren Rovell loves numbers.  He fucking LOVES them.  He loves them so much that he will take an interesting bit of information and beat it into such a bloody mess with the club of shmarminess and long division that the once interesting fact you once knew will be so maimed beyond recognition that the mere sight of it will likely cause an unpleasant physical reaction, like say vomiting or shitting your pants.

Well, you might want to keep a fresh pair of of Fruit of the Looms handy today (/Darren Rovell scrambles to find an interesting statistical fact about Fruit of the Looms sales volumes) because Bobby Petrino’s cell phone records have been released and there are 70 some odd pages of numbers that mean things and insinuate stuff…and they can be divided into the smallest increments in order to give you perspective of the size and scope of things!

And if that doesn’t interest you, Clay Travis says there is a picture of Bobby Petrino’s penis out there somewhere, and he is PUMPED about it.

Here’s what you need to know:

• Here are all of Bobby Petrino’s phone records.  If you don’t feel like you get enough poring spreadsheets already in life, knock yourself out [Deadspin]
• Petrino is a 13 year old girl.  He called Jessica Dorrell 288 times and texted her 4,388 between September 12th and April 5th. [@JICarterSports]
• He texted her 84 times in a 5 hour span the day before the Vandy game, a game in which Arkansas barely got out of Nashville alive.  [Ark360]
• On the day of the Troy game, he text her 70 times.  It was non-conference so I guess that’s no big deal. [Ark360]
• Petrino called her every morning leading up to the Alabama game….at times ranging between 5 AM and 8 AM.  I mean, how in the hell did her fiance not catch wind of this at this point?! [Ark360]
• Petrino and Dorrell also sent pictures and video back and forth.  Im sure it was nothing but pictures of sunsets and cute kitten videos. [@NWARobbie]
• Right before the crash, during the ride,  Petrino was texting Brian Brohm’s brother.  This either means that Bobby Petrino was texting while driving a motorcycle (which is pretty impressive), or he pulled over to text, or, and here’s the fun scenario, he wasn’t driving, which means Jessica Dorrell was, which means she crashed the motorcycle and threw Bobby Petrino off, which would likely explain why he was so banged up and she wasn’t.  WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [Deadspin]
• The famed Japanese animators chimed in on the whole situation.  Elephant in the room?  Roll tide. [YouTube]
• THIS by Shutdown Fullback is pretty much the greatest rendering of the accident.  It will not be topped.  [YouTube]
• And finally, much thanks needs to go to @NWARobbie and @cbahn for rifling through this stuff for the extremely lazy among us.