So broke we had to use MS Paint
Yesterday news broke that current Arkansas head football coach John L. Smith is broke.
As you can imagine, this has been a big story.
How could a coach, who had multi-million dollar contracts while coaching the likes of Louisville, Michigan State, and now Arkansas go through all of that money in the last couple of years? Especially since John L. spent most of his time in college towns, which are typically some of the more affordable places to live in the country. So we asked the question on our completely fictitious radio show that, if you ask, or even if you don’t, we will show you skewed ratings that prove that we are the #1 sports-related radio program in the entire known universe, if you saw John L. Smith spending large sums of money in Fayetteville. So where did all of that money go?
The answer, according to callers, is dinner specials at various cafeteria style restaurants and charter buses to some of this country’s great tourism destinations where he bought up all of the seats on the bus.
Don’t spend time searching for the audio, just trust us on this, but here are the highlights of waiter and eye-witness reports:
1. John L. Smith’s favorite restaurant to hang out in? Luby’s Cafeteria on Fayetteville’s North Shiloh Drive.
It was there where he once dropped $6K on the Lu Ann Value Meal for he and the rest of the Early Bird special diners in the restaurant that day.
At a Luby’s Cafeteria.
Many of the elderly would congregate around the Jello bar.
2. The waitstaff, who got to know John L. thanks to his frequent visits to Luby’s, told John L. they made him a special drink.
It was butter milk with corn bread mashed up in it. It helped with digestion.
Which JLS had everytime he came to the restaurant.
3. During his first year at Arkansas, John L. spent $5k a week at Jason’s Deli.
He always picked up the tab for his entire coaching staff (even though it was obvious that the coaches hated eating at Jason’s and would have much rather gone to McAlister’s…and also would have preferred not to eat dinner at 4:15 everyday)
4. On a 2012 chartered bus tour from Northwest Arkansas to Branson, John L. bought the entire bus except for 10 passenger who had bought their tickets through a promotional offer where they received two bus tickets, a 2 night stay at the Branson Roadaway Inn, and two VIP seats to the Boxcar Willie Saturday Night Show Spectacular.
The bus seated 60 people, meaning John L. purchased 50 seats, and didn’t even get to go to the Boxcar Willie Show.
5. After each Arkansas home game, John L. headed for the OrangeLeaf on Dickson Street where he would sit on the couches and order soft serve yogurt with extra toppings all night.
Since you pay by weight at that place, that can add up in a hurry.
6. Bobby Petrino consumed quantities of Viagra that would kill a normal man.
In fact, Bobby P was kicked out of Grub’s for bringing a bag of free samples to the restaurant during happy hour.
Petrino once ordered 75 boxes of prophylactics at Condom Sense–located next door to Stir on Dickson Street which makes this even better–spent 30 minutes in there shopping for novelty gifts like candy handcuff and edible underwear, and paid a $1500 tab.
Again, these are all reports from callers of my completely fictitious radio show. There is no need to listen to the audio yourself, because there is none. Just trust me. I’m a lawyer.